I have so many favorites to choose out of my gallery of first dates because mind you, these are, for the most part, first date experiences but this one has got to be up there! So sit down and get out some popcorn and just watch out that you don't blow any out your nose while laughing!
I met this guy, an internist, through a newspaper dating ad. OK stop choking....there's your first red flag. Never do that, but I did it a few times, maybe 3. What you do is make up your ad and you put it on their phone system and you call the ad through its number. Well I did that and this doctor calls me up and was sweet over the phone and all and we set up a date at a restaurant.
We get to the restaurant and there's some chemistry going on between us and after a little while, he started getting a little overly descriptive and started using dirty words for body parts. Now you'd think that a doctor (or so-called) would use correct words for intimate body parts especially on a first date. NO. He started using these words in our conversation which first of all, we shouldn't have been having since we just met but it started out innocently enough so at first, I didn't mind but then it got a little out of hand. He used the pri*k word for penis and the c**t word for the vagina in his language. I stopped him after it went on a little bit too long and said, "hey, didnt you say you were a doctor? Don't you know any nice words when speaking to a lady?" He says, "We're all adults here." (Famous last words...sorry guys, but while we ARE "all adults here", there is a thing called "CLASS" and this guy didn't have it.) I said to him that I would appreciate it if he cleaned it up. So he stopped doing it for like a minute but then he went back. I interjected and said, "Listen, you're a doctor, right? then why can't you use the appropriate words? It's making me uncomfortable and I think I'm gonna leave." "OH no, I'm sorry, I thought it was okay and that you were kidding. I'm so sorry. Let's start over." I said ok. Then halfway through dinner, he started up again. I put my fork down and said, "Ok I'm done." He apologized once again, stood up and said, "Let's really start from the beginning. Hi - my name is Mark." His boyish grin was so damn cute, I caved. We sat down and there was no more of it. For now.
After dinner he invited me to have a drink at his place which was close by. We were in Brooklyn. I weighed the pros and cons of it all and decided, dammit, he's so cute. I thought, ok, maybe I can have a drink, enjoy some kisses, go home and maybe wait on a second date. For now.
We finished dinner, parked our cars out front and went in. He had a small but nice house in Bay Ridge. As you entered there was one long beige couch against the left side wall and there was a large Lazy Boy chair in front of the kitchen island facing the front door which I left unlocked.(Hint: If you've never been to a man's house before, it's a good idea to do that if you can. Hey, safety first.) I sat on the couch and slipped off my heels.
So Mark is popping the cork on a nice bottle of red wine and in the middle of conversation, he asks, "What color is your bra?" I'm like, "Whaaaat???" "What color is your bra? I just have a thing that I wanna know." I said, "None of your business. I'm wearing one and that's all you need to know. Now are you going to get all stupid again and start talking nasty because I can leave. No problem, my car is right outside." "No, NO. Don't leave. I'm sorry." "Mark, you must have a problem." He smiles and whispers, "Yeah, I know, but what color is it?" as he slides himself into the spot next to me. I let out a big sigh and said one more time, "None of your business." He got all excited by my remark and said, "Now you REALLY gotta tell me because it MUST be a REALLY GOOD color." I finally burst the color out of my mouth, "teal blue." Oh my goodness. Why did I say THAT for? He flies up out of the couch with a big grin and cockily goes back to pouring the wine. For now.
So I think, ok, now I got this guy under control, he knows the color of my freakin' bra and maybe he'll calm down for now. But from behind the counter, his words float over to me, "Show me your bra." I was like, "What da f**k now?" Mark confidently comes back to the couch. "Show it to me. You said it was teal blue. I knew you were wearing something really nice. Now I want to see it." Now I'm thinking, this freakin' guy thinks he's cute but he's just pissing me off. I tell him, "Nope. You got the color and I'm not showing it to you." "Aw come on, I gotta see it." Aw crap. I cave in, yes, once again. I snap a bra strap at him and he's all pleased as a pig in poop. He flies up off the couch and gets us our wine glasses. He gives one to me and then instead of sitting next to me again on the couch, he sits in his Lazy boy chair and closes his eyes. A few moments go by and he says nothing. Dead silence. He opens his eyes and staring out into space, says, "Come here" while pointing to the spot on the floor IN FRONT OF HIM. I said shakily, "What do you want me to do?" "Come here --- and kneel...." he commanded again in a monotone, dracula-like voice. With THAT, I grabbed my shoes ever so slowly and said in my sweetest "don't aggravate the monster before you" voice, "I'm sorry, but I've to go now. Thanks for dinner. Yeah, I gotta go." I literally backed out of the apartment and threw the front door open as if I were going to be killed! You've never seen a woman run so fast in her stocking feet in your life!!
And that is the end of my second little dating story, for now... :-)